Illogical Idioms

Today’s post is about funny wordplay.

Intentionally mixing together several different idioms into a seemingly unintentionally meaningless statement really cracks me up. I may have picked up this habit from my brother–we have very similar senses of humor. Actually I may have gotten it from my mother or sister as well. Here are some patchwork expressions that sound like they are supposed to mean something but are totally illogical and hopefully funny (I think I made these up myself but I may have picked up some of them from my brother without realizing it):

• There’s more than one way to skin the cat’s pajamas
• Don’t count all your hatched eggs in one basket
• You got all your ducks in the same page
• out of the forest and into the frying pan
• I got my balls to the grindstone
• You got by by the skin of the cat’s pajamas
• Don’t run around like a chicken’s neck of the woods cut off
• Take his opinion with a grain of salt in the open wound
• Don’t count your chickens until the cows come home
• Time to hit the needle in the haystack
• Don’t beat a dead gift horse in the mouth
• Curiosity killed the cat’s pajamas

Hmm…I’m a lot better at coming up with these on the fly than remembering them and writing them down. It’s usually a spur-of-the-moment joke, mid-conversation.

Also, it’s funny to think about what would happen if people interpreted the literal instead of figurative meanings of idiomatic expressions. Crossing cultural and language barriers would probably be the most common cause of this. My girlfriend recently told me that in Irish English, “taking the piss” has equivalent meaning to the American English “pulling my leg.” If an Irish person said to an American, “Are you taking the piss?” the American would probably just be confused and think that the Irish person was asking them about urinating.

When you see an idiom, you think of the intended/accepted meaning (in your culture), not the definition of each word. I realized that to force the literal instead of figurative meaning of an idiomatic expression to come to mind, you just have to alter one or a few words of the expression. Just like a non-native English speaker might if they did not memorize the expression exactly correctly. The change can be subtle–just enough to make the listener stop and think. It’s funnier if the listener/reader understands what it’s *supposed* to mean. Sometimes drastic changes to only one word of the expression, such as using the word’s opposite, are pretty funny. Examples:

• You already finished your homework for the next two weeks? You’re really on top of the ball.
• You’re really on the balls
• Take my opinion with a few grains of salt
• That’s the frosting on the cake
• That’s a slice of cake
• That really slaps the screw on the head
• That’s all bridges under the water
• That’s all water over the bridge
• Wow, your uncle died? That’s a heavy shit.

It amazes me how versatile the word “shit” is, and how subtle differences in usage can alter its meaning so drastically. Example: it’s common to refer to music as being “heavy,” at least in metal and electronic dance music.  (Kind of hard to describe what “heavy” music means…low pitch, prominent and complicated/fast drums especially bass drum and low toms, heavily distorted/overdriven guitars). You might say about a new metal song a friend plays you, “man, that’s some heavy shit.” A live DJ about to play a really bass- and drum-driven song might say to the crowd, “Alright, I’m about to drop some heavy shit on you.” I would love to see the audience’s reaction if a DJ said, “I’m about to drop a heavy shit on you,” or “I’m about to drop the heavy shits on you.” Differences in plurality and article totally change the meaning, from figurative (very desirable in the case of the DJ–very intense song) to literal (very undesirable in the case of the DJ–massive human excrement).

All this shit’s a lot funnier hearing it in conversation than seeing it analyzed and explained. Kind of kills the joke. It’s funny spur-of-the-moment, but also interesting to think about from a linguistic perspective.

Thinking about these shits really splits me up. It totally assassinates me. :p